Ellen DeGeneres: Jennifer Hudson is here from American Idol. America didn't vote for you and yet you're here with an Oscar Nomination. And Al Gore, America did vote for you.
Will Ferrell: A comedian at the Oscars, the saddest man of all / Your movies may make millions but your name they'll never call.
Steve Carrell: Sound editing is like sex. It is often done alone, late at night and in a room of electronic gadgets.
Greg Kinnear: And if you want it done right you'll pay top dollar for a true professional.
Ellen DeGeneres: Since the Oscars have decided to go green, I've been told to recycle some of my old jokes.
Jack Black: We may not win tonight / But we shall win the ultimate fight... and I'm not speaking in a metaphor, I mean literally: I am going to FIGHT the nominees!
Will Ferrell: I like the way you're talkin'. I'm sick of this crap.
Jack Black: HEY, LEO! You think you can date supermodels and win awards? I'm gonna elbow you in the larynx!
Will Ferrell: Ryan Gosling... you're all hip and now. Well, I'm gonna break your hip... RIGHT NOW!
Jack Black: Hey Peter O'Toole... you're all legendary and English. I don't care; I'm gonna beat you down with my NICKELODEON AWARD!
Will Ferrell: MARK WAHLBERG! WHERE ARE YOU? I won't mess with you. You're actually kinda badass. Once again, I hope we're cool. You are very talented.
Jack Black: And Helen Mirren? You are just hot. What party are you going to?
Martin Scorsese: [after winning Best Director] Could you double-check the envelope?
[repeated line, taking envelope out of coat]
Al Gore: And so, my fellow Americans...
[interrupted by swelling music]
[after seeing the acrobats shapeshift around her behind the curtain]
Ellen DeGeneres: They're naked!

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