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Uncle Dave:
All in all this has really not been a very pleasant day.
[from trailer]
Osama Bin Ladin: Uwe Boll may be an infidel, but he made a very funny film.
Uncle Dave: They're doing god work or something... Get in there and give those boys a god-job.
[from trailer]
George W. Bush: You know me and spelling and all...
[laughs]
Asif: Congratulations, Nabi. We're at our doorsteps to martyrdom.
Nabi: Praise Allah.
Asif: Praise him!
Asif: Soon we will be greeted by Allah, the one true God. And by the cheers of our forefathers. And by 99 perfect virgins, who will worship us for all eternity.
Nabi: I thought it was 100.
Asif: What's that?
Nabi: 100 virgins. They promised me 100.
Asif: 99, 100. What's the difference?
Nabi: If they're telling you one thing and they're telling me another, maybe they don't know for sure.
Asif: Maybe. Maybe the exact number of virgins is not percise.
Nabi: Hey, I'm not greedy, but what if it's 10?
Asif: Well...
Nabi: What if it's 10... but we have to split them between us?
Asif: Then you'd have 5 more virgins than you have right now, right?
Nabi: We're talking about eternity here! How long will 5 virgins last you? Maybe a month? They're not going to be virgins for long, right?
Asif: Look... will it make you feel better if we call the big guy?
Nabi: Yes.
Asif: [takes out a cell phone and dials a number] It's ringing... Osama, yes, it's Asif... No, we're on it... Yeah it's fine but the security takes forever, you know... Anyway look, Nabi has a question. Will you talk to him?
Nabi: [takes the cell phone after a discussion with Asif] Hello! Yes... Uh, it's about the virgins... Really? It was 100 when I signed on!
[holds the speaker so Osama can't listen]
Nabi: He says it's not that many anymore. Too many martyrs...
Asif: You got to be kidding me! Give me the phone!
[takes the phone back]
Asif: Osama, it's Asif. Right now, can you tell me the number ABSOLUTLY that you can guarantee now, being myself, as far as virgins are concerned?... No, that's fine.
[hangs up cell phone]
Asif: We can't get any more than 20.
Asif: [both look at each other for some times while the passangers of the plane knock hardly at the door, trying to get in] Screw this, right?
Nabi: I'm glad you said it first!
Asif: Ok, getting to the intercom. Passengers: We're changing course for the Bahamas!
Nabi: BAHAMAS!
[the passengers enter the cockpit violently to take over the situation, forcing the plane to crash into a skyscraper]
Dude: I will do anything to get out of Paradise! Anything! Anything, if it has to be.
Uncle Dave: Ok. Take me up the ass.
Osama Bin Ladin: I tell you, Mohammed. I think I have seen exactly this gas station before.
Mohammed: We're not wrong here. All gas stations look the same. What's wrong with you?
Osama Bin Ladin: Would you stop to the right and ask for the way?
Mohammed: Stop getting on my nerves! I'm doing the best I can, ok?
Osama Bin Ladin: Maybe I should drive?
Mohammed: Do you think you can do everything around here? You're the leader of the organisation and now you wanna be the driver, too?
Uwe Boll: You all probably heard of the rumors that my movies are financed with nazi-gold. Well, what shall I say? It's true!
Richard: [on the walkietalkie] This is Anne Frank. Hitler 2, come in.
Official Licenced Krotchy Doll: Only my father and my priest are allowed to touch me there!
Verne Troyer: Get the fuck out of here!
[pushes a kid away before punching the other kid in the groin]
Dude: What the hell is wrong with you people? All you do is destroying the world in the name of God. You fucking idiots! He doesn't need your help. He is God!
[a sort of patriotic music begins to play]
Dude: And He... She... or It gave you the gift of life. And you are wasting it. Look around you. Look around you. Look the fuck around you!
[the mob, the Talibans, the D.O.O.M. members and the police who were all after the Dude look around themselves]
Dude: You see? We are not that different. We are all part of the same family. Called mankind. And what do families do? Do they struggle? Yes, sure. But they find a solution because they love each other. And they know that they're bonded together. Just like everyone of us. Here on this giant big dirtball we call Earth. Think about it, come on. Let us try to have something in common.
Richard: Oh, well... We all hate Jews.
[everyone seems to agree]
Dude: NONONO! No hate thing. A love thing. I think it is time to put the weapons out of our hands, so we can give each other... a hug. When you still want to throw that precious gift we call life away, I can't stop you. Go ahead. Shoot... or... a hug?
Mohammed: [sighs] Shoot him.
Dude: Bastards!
[runs for cover as everyone starts to shoot at him again]
Super-Impose: Gluttco Inc. World's Leading Glutt Producer.
Osama Bin Ladin: I'm gonna go watch Oprah.
[repeated line]
Dude: I hate this city...
Super-Impose: Habib's Lucky Ganesh. Secret Taliban Hideout.
Osama Bin Ladin: [on the walkie-talkie] The fat man is at the buffet.
Mohammed: What?
Osama Bin Ladin: I repeat: the fat man is at the buffet.
Mohammed: What the fuck are you talking about?
Osama Bin Ladin: The van is here you idiot.
Officer Greg: Citizens of this great nation... city. Watch out for this psychopathic deranged killer also known as...
Officier John: [whispers to Greg] Postal Dude.
Officer Greg: Postal Dude. You really want to name him that? Postal Dude! He's searched for kidnapping, a shootout at the social welfare office, the murder of Candidate Wells...
Officier John: [whispers to Greg] Murder of a chinese woman.
Officer Greg: And the murder of an innocent, old chinese woman.
Dude: Did you ever had such an day?
Mob Member: No.
[looks at the Postal Dude]
Mob Member: Heyhey! The Postal Dude! I'll get you!
Dude: Leave me alone
[runs away]
Mob Member: [to the Mob] Come on. Let's follow him!
Officer Greg: [looks at the Postal Dude's picture were he got long hair] No, that's not him. Do you see how his hair shimmies? This guy looks just like Jesus.
Mohammed: Where are the fucking keys? They gotta be somewhere.
Osama Bin Ladin: I thought you had the keys?
Mohammed: [searches for the keys in his clothes] You know, sometimes it helps recreating your steps.
Osama Bin Ladin: [finds the keys in his clothes] Mohammed!
Vince Desiderio: [takes out a gun and aims at Uwe Boll] For Video-games!
Mohammed: It's unfortunate that the desperate nature of our situation forces one of us to hug the martyrdom once more to fight and defeat the infidels. Well, who of us will have the honor today?
Taliban: How about you, Mohammed? You are more than worthy!
Mohammed: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. And I would like to do it. I would like to do it, believe me. Nobody in the world would like to do it more than me. But unfortunately Osama has forbid it me.
Taliban: How about Abdul?
[points to the retarted Taliban]
Mohammed: Ah, a good idea. A very good idea. Genius! But of course he has to agree. So... Abdul, if you don't want to be blown to smithereens hold up your hand, jump on a leg and sing "Freebird".
Retarded Taliban: Uh... uh...
Mohammed: Abdul, you are it!
[the other Talibans applaud]
Retarded Taliban: Uh...?
Dude: I have to destroy a postal truck filled with lethal microbes before a doomsday cult or a terrorist groups destroys the entire world.
Faith: Yeah, why I gotta believe that?
Taliban: [at the same time as the D.O.O.M. member] Jihad!
D.O.O.M. member: [at the same time as the Taliban] Apocalypse!
[Dude fastly pulls out a second gun and kills both on the spot]
Faith: Uh... ok, where is that postal truck?
Blither: [his last lines] And everybody should buy my book: How to fire an employee without making them go postal.
[a burning van falls on him]
Osama Bin Ladin: Praise Allah! Now has come the time to sacrafice your lives to revenge this iniquity.
Mohammed: Or we just kill the others! Yeah!
Other Talibans: Yeah!
[the other Talibans shoot through the roof of the car with their machine guns]
Verne Troyer: I can't believe I took this fucking job...
Richard: [reciting Uncle Dave's bible] And thy shall now that it is the last day of judgment begins when someday a itsy-bitsy entertainer come to us and gets raped by 1000 monkeys.
Verne Troyer: That's it! I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!
Uncle Dave: I'm so sorry but
[gets kicked in the groin by Verne Troyer]
Dude: Where did you get all the monkeys?
Uncle Dave: I don't know. I have nothing to do with this shit.
Uncle Dave: [after kissing Richard] Fuck, man. I'm gay!
Reporter Gayle: [in the middle of a crime scene where a lot of kids were killed and are now lying around her] The coward responsible for this massacre has been described as a rodent-like man with red hair and wearing a peace t-shirt. Back to you Bob. Oh, I forgot - You're dead.
Reporter Gayle: [looks disgusted at all the dead children bodies] Eeeew. These kids begin to stink awfully.
Vince Desiderio: [takes off the head from his Krotchy costume] Hey Boll, I'm Vince Desi. What the fuck have you done to my game?
Uwe Boll: I don't know what is your fucking problem. The movie rocks!
Super-Impose: Vincent James Desiderio, Jr. Creator of POSTAL Video Game.
Vince Desiderio: [attacks Uwe Boll]
Dude: You people are fighting each other in war and destroy the world in the name of God. God doesn't need your help to destroy the world. He is God, hello?
Uwe Boll: [his last lines] I hate video games...
[as the Postal Dude flees from the Mob he arrives Habib's Lucky Ganesh where Habib and Nassira are cleaning the windows and jaywalk from Candidate Wells' blood]
Dude: Shit! Shit!
[points to the mob as he hides behind the door]
Mob Leader: Follow me! I know where he is!
[Habib points into the store]
Dude: Thanks.
[runs into the store and hides behind the counter]
Mob Leader: Hey, what direction did he go?
[Habib points to the street]
Mob Leader: That way!
[runs with the rest of the mob into the direction Habib showed him]
Nassira: Why did you help him?
Habib: Do you want to clean the windows again?
[after knocking out a criminal and punching him on the ground]
Cop: I need reinforcements!
Osama Bin Ladin: They're not listening to me anymore, Mohammed. I tell them about Allah and fame. And what do I hear all the time? Every fucking time?
Mohammed: Virgins...
Osama Bin Ladin: Dingdingdingdingdingding! Nobody wants to die anymore these days. Except they get virgins.
Candidate Wells: [in front of Habib's Lucky Ganesh] George W. Bush is a deceiver. He's an actor. That's not even his real name!
Mohammed: [confronting Habib inside Habib's Lucky Ganesh] He knows too much!
Officer Greg: You're under arrest!
Azeem: [walking through Habib's Lucky Ganesh wearing an explosive belt] Goodbye Heaven Tarts, Sugar Lords, Powdered Flakes...
Azeem: [standing next to the exit] Goodbye slimline caramel ice cream.
Azeem: [heading towards Candidate Wells] Allah!
[Azeem hugs Candidate Wells and his belts explodes]
Dude: Oh, that's the cow from the social welfare.
[imitating her]
Dude: I'm sorry, we're closed... BITCH!
[the Postal Dude runs her over and she gets thrown on the other side of the street where she gets hit by another car which throws her back where she gets hit by a police car which stops immediately]
Officier John: What was that?
Officer Greg: [gets out of the car and takes a look] Oh, I thought we'd have a flat but we just ran over some girl. Thank God...
Mob Leader: Did you see the Postal Dude?
[looking for the Postal Dude while not looking at the person he talks to]
Dude: [wearing a police uniform and disguising his voice] Yeah, yeah. He went this way.
[points into the opposite direction the Mob came from]
Mob Leader: Good. United Citizens, let's get that motherucker.
[the Mobs runs away without one person looking at the Postal Dude]
Candidate Wells: The NASA, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, never existed. All the space missions we were getting told ever since we were going to school: Inventions from Hollywood! We never landed on the moon. There is no John Glenn.
Election Poster: F.U.P the Fuck U Party. Bend over & vote.
[last lines]
Osama Bin Ladin: George, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
[first lines]
Asif: Congratulations, Nabi. We are at the doorstep of our martyrdom.
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trailer
details
[from trailer]
Osama Bin Ladin: Uwe Boll may be an infidel, but he made a very funny film.
Uncle Dave: They're doing god work or something... Get in there and give those boys a god-job.
[from trailer]
George W. Bush: You know me and spelling and all...
[laughs]
Asif: Congratulations, Nabi. We're at our doorsteps to martyrdom.
Nabi: Praise Allah.
Asif: Praise him!
Asif: Soon we will be greeted by Allah, the one true God. And by the cheers of our forefathers. And by 99 perfect virgins, who will worship us for all eternity.
Nabi: I thought it was 100.
Asif: What's that?
Nabi: 100 virgins. They promised me 100.
Asif: 99, 100. What's the difference?
Nabi: If they're telling you one thing and they're telling me another, maybe they don't know for sure.
Asif: Maybe. Maybe the exact number of virgins is not percise.
Nabi: Hey, I'm not greedy, but what if it's 10?
Asif: Well...
Nabi: What if it's 10... but we have to split them between us?
Asif: Then you'd have 5 more virgins than you have right now, right?
Nabi: We're talking about eternity here! How long will 5 virgins last you? Maybe a month? They're not going to be virgins for long, right?
Asif: Look... will it make you feel better if we call the big guy?
Nabi: Yes.
Asif: [takes out a cell phone and dials a number] It's ringing... Osama, yes, it's Asif... No, we're on it... Yeah it's fine but the security takes forever, you know... Anyway look, Nabi has a question. Will you talk to him?
Nabi: [takes the cell phone after a discussion with Asif] Hello! Yes... Uh, it's about the virgins... Really? It was 100 when I signed on!
[holds the speaker so Osama can't listen]
Nabi: He says it's not that many anymore. Too many martyrs...
Asif: You got to be kidding me! Give me the phone!
[takes the phone back]
Asif: Osama, it's Asif. Right now, can you tell me the number ABSOLUTLY that you can guarantee now, being myself, as far as virgins are concerned?... No, that's fine.
[hangs up cell phone]
Asif: We can't get any more than 20.
Asif: [both look at each other for some times while the passangers of the plane knock hardly at the door, trying to get in] Screw this, right?
Nabi: I'm glad you said it first!
Asif: Ok, getting to the intercom. Passengers: We're changing course for the Bahamas!
Nabi: BAHAMAS!
[the passengers enter the cockpit violently to take over the situation, forcing the plane to crash into a skyscraper]
Dude: I will do anything to get out of Paradise! Anything! Anything, if it has to be.
Uncle Dave: Ok. Take me up the ass.
Osama Bin Ladin: I tell you, Mohammed. I think I have seen exactly this gas station before.
Mohammed: We're not wrong here. All gas stations look the same. What's wrong with you?
Osama Bin Ladin: Would you stop to the right and ask for the way?
Mohammed: Stop getting on my nerves! I'm doing the best I can, ok?
Osama Bin Ladin: Maybe I should drive?
Mohammed: Do you think you can do everything around here? You're the leader of the organisation and now you wanna be the driver, too?
Uwe Boll: You all probably heard of the rumors that my movies are financed with nazi-gold. Well, what shall I say? It's true!
Richard: [on the walkietalkie] This is Anne Frank. Hitler 2, come in.
Official Licenced Krotchy Doll: Only my father and my priest are allowed to touch me there!
Verne Troyer: Get the fuck out of here!
[pushes a kid away before punching the other kid in the groin]
Dude: What the hell is wrong with you people? All you do is destroying the world in the name of God. You fucking idiots! He doesn't need your help. He is God!
[a sort of patriotic music begins to play]
Dude: And He... She... or It gave you the gift of life. And you are wasting it. Look around you. Look around you. Look the fuck around you!
[the mob, the Talibans, the D.O.O.M. members and the police who were all after the Dude look around themselves]
Dude: You see? We are not that different. We are all part of the same family. Called mankind. And what do families do? Do they struggle? Yes, sure. But they find a solution because they love each other. And they know that they're bonded together. Just like everyone of us. Here on this giant big dirtball we call Earth. Think about it, come on. Let us try to have something in common.
Richard: Oh, well... We all hate Jews.
[everyone seems to agree]
Dude: NONONO! No hate thing. A love thing. I think it is time to put the weapons out of our hands, so we can give each other... a hug. When you still want to throw that precious gift we call life away, I can't stop you. Go ahead. Shoot... or... a hug?
Mohammed: [sighs] Shoot him.
Dude: Bastards!
[runs for cover as everyone starts to shoot at him again]
Super-Impose: Gluttco Inc. World's Leading Glutt Producer.
Osama Bin Ladin: I'm gonna go watch Oprah.
[repeated line]
Dude: I hate this city...
Super-Impose: Habib's Lucky Ganesh. Secret Taliban Hideout.
Osama Bin Ladin: [on the walkie-talkie] The fat man is at the buffet.
Mohammed: What?
Osama Bin Ladin: I repeat: the fat man is at the buffet.
Mohammed: What the fuck are you talking about?
Osama Bin Ladin: The van is here you idiot.
Officer Greg: Citizens of this great nation... city. Watch out for this psychopathic deranged killer also known as...
Officier John: [whispers to Greg] Postal Dude.
Officer Greg: Postal Dude. You really want to name him that? Postal Dude! He's searched for kidnapping, a shootout at the social welfare office, the murder of Candidate Wells...
Officier John: [whispers to Greg] Murder of a chinese woman.
Officer Greg: And the murder of an innocent, old chinese woman.
Dude: Did you ever had such an day?
Mob Member: No.
[looks at the Postal Dude]
Mob Member: Heyhey! The Postal Dude! I'll get you!
Dude: Leave me alone
[runs away]
Mob Member: [to the Mob] Come on. Let's follow him!
Officer Greg: [looks at the Postal Dude's picture were he got long hair] No, that's not him. Do you see how his hair shimmies? This guy looks just like Jesus.
Mohammed: Where are the fucking keys? They gotta be somewhere.
Osama Bin Ladin: I thought you had the keys?
Mohammed: [searches for the keys in his clothes] You know, sometimes it helps recreating your steps.
Osama Bin Ladin: [finds the keys in his clothes] Mohammed!
Vince Desiderio: [takes out a gun and aims at Uwe Boll] For Video-games!
Mohammed: It's unfortunate that the desperate nature of our situation forces one of us to hug the martyrdom once more to fight and defeat the infidels. Well, who of us will have the honor today?
Taliban: How about you, Mohammed? You are more than worthy!
Mohammed: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. And I would like to do it. I would like to do it, believe me. Nobody in the world would like to do it more than me. But unfortunately Osama has forbid it me.
Taliban: How about Abdul?
[points to the retarted Taliban]
Mohammed: Ah, a good idea. A very good idea. Genius! But of course he has to agree. So... Abdul, if you don't want to be blown to smithereens hold up your hand, jump on a leg and sing "Freebird".
Retarded Taliban: Uh... uh...
Mohammed: Abdul, you are it!
[the other Talibans applaud]
Retarded Taliban: Uh...?
Dude: I have to destroy a postal truck filled with lethal microbes before a doomsday cult or a terrorist groups destroys the entire world.
Faith: Yeah, why I gotta believe that?
Taliban: [at the same time as the D.O.O.M. member] Jihad!
D.O.O.M. member: [at the same time as the Taliban] Apocalypse!
[Dude fastly pulls out a second gun and kills both on the spot]
Faith: Uh... ok, where is that postal truck?
Blither: [his last lines] And everybody should buy my book: How to fire an employee without making them go postal.
[a burning van falls on him]
Osama Bin Ladin: Praise Allah! Now has come the time to sacrafice your lives to revenge this iniquity.
Mohammed: Or we just kill the others! Yeah!
Other Talibans: Yeah!
[the other Talibans shoot through the roof of the car with their machine guns]
Verne Troyer: I can't believe I took this fucking job...
Richard: [reciting Uncle Dave's bible] And thy shall now that it is the last day of judgment begins when someday a itsy-bitsy entertainer come to us and gets raped by 1000 monkeys.
Verne Troyer: That's it! I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!
Uncle Dave: I'm so sorry but
[gets kicked in the groin by Verne Troyer]
Dude: Where did you get all the monkeys?
Uncle Dave: I don't know. I have nothing to do with this shit.
Uncle Dave: [after kissing Richard] Fuck, man. I'm gay!
Reporter Gayle: [in the middle of a crime scene where a lot of kids were killed and are now lying around her] The coward responsible for this massacre has been described as a rodent-like man with red hair and wearing a peace t-shirt. Back to you Bob. Oh, I forgot - You're dead.
Reporter Gayle: [looks disgusted at all the dead children bodies] Eeeew. These kids begin to stink awfully.
Vince Desiderio: [takes off the head from his Krotchy costume] Hey Boll, I'm Vince Desi. What the fuck have you done to my game?
Uwe Boll: I don't know what is your fucking problem. The movie rocks!
Super-Impose: Vincent James Desiderio, Jr. Creator of POSTAL Video Game.
Vince Desiderio: [attacks Uwe Boll]
Dude: You people are fighting each other in war and destroy the world in the name of God. God doesn't need your help to destroy the world. He is God, hello?
Uwe Boll: [his last lines] I hate video games...
[as the Postal Dude flees from the Mob he arrives Habib's Lucky Ganesh where Habib and Nassira are cleaning the windows and jaywalk from Candidate Wells' blood]
Dude: Shit! Shit!
[points to the mob as he hides behind the door]
Mob Leader: Follow me! I know where he is!
[Habib points into the store]
Dude: Thanks.
[runs into the store and hides behind the counter]
Mob Leader: Hey, what direction did he go?
[Habib points to the street]
Mob Leader: That way!
[runs with the rest of the mob into the direction Habib showed him]
Nassira: Why did you help him?
Habib: Do you want to clean the windows again?
[after knocking out a criminal and punching him on the ground]
Cop: I need reinforcements!
Osama Bin Ladin: They're not listening to me anymore, Mohammed. I tell them about Allah and fame. And what do I hear all the time? Every fucking time?
Mohammed: Virgins...
Osama Bin Ladin: Dingdingdingdingdingding! Nobody wants to die anymore these days. Except they get virgins.
Candidate Wells: [in front of Habib's Lucky Ganesh] George W. Bush is a deceiver. He's an actor. That's not even his real name!
Mohammed: [confronting Habib inside Habib's Lucky Ganesh] He knows too much!
Officer Greg: You're under arrest!
Azeem: [walking through Habib's Lucky Ganesh wearing an explosive belt] Goodbye Heaven Tarts, Sugar Lords, Powdered Flakes...
Azeem: [standing next to the exit] Goodbye slimline caramel ice cream.
Azeem: [heading towards Candidate Wells] Allah!
[Azeem hugs Candidate Wells and his belts explodes]
Dude: Oh, that's the cow from the social welfare.
[imitating her]
Dude: I'm sorry, we're closed... BITCH!
[the Postal Dude runs her over and she gets thrown on the other side of the street where she gets hit by another car which throws her back where she gets hit by a police car which stops immediately]
Officier John: What was that?
Officer Greg: [gets out of the car and takes a look] Oh, I thought we'd have a flat but we just ran over some girl. Thank God...
Mob Leader: Did you see the Postal Dude?
[looking for the Postal Dude while not looking at the person he talks to]
Dude: [wearing a police uniform and disguising his voice] Yeah, yeah. He went this way.
[points into the opposite direction the Mob came from]
Mob Leader: Good. United Citizens, let's get that motherucker.
[the Mobs runs away without one person looking at the Postal Dude]
Candidate Wells: The NASA, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, never existed. All the space missions we were getting told ever since we were going to school: Inventions from Hollywood! We never landed on the moon. There is no John Glenn.
Election Poster: F.U.P the Fuck U Party. Bend over & vote.
[last lines]
Osama Bin Ladin: George, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
[first lines]
Asif: Congratulations, Nabi. We are at the doorstep of our martyrdom.
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