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"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" (2000) More at IMDb Pro »

Gil Grissom: There is always a clue.

Hodges: I didn't page you.
Nick Stokes: No. I just figured I'd come by.
Hodges: You're checking up on me again.
Nick Stokes: No, I'm checking up on my evidence.
Hodges: Do you think if you hover the FTIR will work faster?
Nick Stokes: Yes, Hodges, that's what I think.

Gil Grissom: I just got a page from James Watson.
Nick Stokes: And I got one from Francis Crick. What's going on, Greg?
Greg Sanders: Well, as you both know, Watson and Crick are the granddaddies of DNA. Without their discoveries, I'd have nothing to do all day.
Nick Stokes: What have you been doing all day?

Catherine Willows: The only thing that sports book means to me is guys without showers.
Warrick Brown: [laughs] That's actually true.

Warrick Brown: Who do you like?
Catherine Willows: Charlotte. My mom grew up in North Carolina.
Warrick Brown: Okay, I'll give you Charlotte +2.
Catherine Willows: What do I get if I win?
Warrick Brown: How about a fabulous dinner.
Catherine Willows: I'll take your action.

Gil Grissom: Where's your enthusiasm?
Greg Sanders: Whenever I find a match in here, my world gets a little smaller. Out there I felt large.
Gil Grissom: Out there means a pay cut.
Greg Sanders: I'm not about the money.

Nick Stokes: Is there anything you won't bet on, man?
Warrick Brown: Nah.

[Nick has offered to make a bet on a case]
Warrick Brown: I don't get out of bed for less than a bill.

Warrick Brown: You just don't let up, do you?
Sara Sidle: It's a flaw.

Gil Grissom: I can't tell whether he's brilliant or nuts.
Captain Jim Brass: Sound familiar?

Gil Grissom: It was in the days of public hangings that people first noticed that men would get erections and sometimes even ejaculate. They called it "The Killer Orgasm."

[after telling Grissom something that Grissom already knows]
Greg Sanders: I guess I should stop trying to impress you.
Gil Grissom: That would impress me.

Gil Grissom: Greg!
Greg Sanders: Yeah.
Gil Grissom: Take off your shoes and socks.
Greg Sanders: See, now we're getting into this whole strip forensics thing and I'm not too sure I can hang with that - even if you are my boss.
Gil Grissom: Your mother's maiden name was Hojem? Hojem is Norwegian, right?
Greg Sanders: That's right and you know my grandfather was tossed from Norway for getting my grandmother pregnant before they got married. To this day he still tells me "Som man reder sa ligger man".
[long pause]
Greg Sanders: One must lie in the bed one has made.

Greg Sanders: I had to send this to an outside lab since we're not equipped to carry out bacterial DNA analysis. Hint, hint.

Sara Sidle: Dead body! Bonus.

[Grissom admits to a mistake]
Gil Grissom: What?
Nick Stokes: Well, it's just that most people don't admit to being wrong.
Gil Grissom: I'm wrong all the time. It's how I get to "right".

Nick Stokes: Hey, Greg
Greg Sanders: [looking through the microscope] Shh! I might be looking at the mother of my children here.
Nick Stokes: Somebody's been putting in way too much overtime.
Greg Sanders: No, man, this is serious. I had a date last night and this girl has the most impossible green eyes. Just... BAM! Shoulder-length blonde hair, intelligent, and she smells so good.
Nick Stokes: Cute toes?
Greg Sanders: Oh, ideal!
Nick Stokes: Mmm.
Greg Sanders: And none are longer than the big toe.
Nick Stokes: Mmm.
Greg Sanders: Both feet. But, you know, what I need to know is what's on the inside?
Nick Stokes: Oh, what's in her heart?
Greg Sanders: No... her DNA. And let me tell you, this girl has got some fine epithelials.
Nick Stokes: [laughing] Dude, you're sick. Man, you've officially lost it!
Greg Sanders: No, no. There is this guy in Louisville. He charges 300 clams to test your spouse's underwear for foreign DNA. Now, that guy is sick. I'm just a romantic.
Nick Stokes: But whatever happened to getting to know someone over coffee, letting the relationship evolve? Romantic is sending flowers, not bogarting her skin cells.
Greg Sanders: Ahh, that's boring.

Gil Grissom: A Harvard professor conducted an experiment. Asked a bunch of students to watch a basketball game - count the number of times the ball was passed.
Captain Jim Brass: Yeah? Groundbreaking.
Gil Grissom: During the game a person dressed in a gorilla suit ran across the court. Afterward, the professor asked the students if they noticed the gorilla. Fifty percent responded, "what gorilla?"
Captain Jim Brass: That's wonderful, Gil. If I see a gorilla, I'll arrest it.

Sara Sidle: Is there truly no place left in Las Vegas without slot machines?

Gil Grissom: He's wearing a wig... and a fat suit. Is it Samhain?
Catherine Willows: In this town, it's always Samhain.

Catherine Willows: Never doubt. Never look back. That's how I live my life.
Gil Grissom: I admire that.

Lawyer: You took your clothes off for a living?
Catherine Willows: For a VERY good living.

Dr. Al Robbins: I'll know more later.
Gil Grissom: You always tell me that.
Dr. Al Robbins: Yes, I do.

[Cath stares at the body of her deceased ex-husband]
Dr. Al Robbins: Catherine, you can't say goodbye in an autopsy room.

Dr. Al Robbins: Hand me that foot, would you?

Catherine Willows: [to Grissom] What would you do without me?

Catherine Willows: We have a warrant for your shoes.

Gil Grissom: Are we paying you by the word?

Gil Grissom: Ok, we're going off the board tonight.
Sara Sidle: Off the board?
Catherine Willows: Fish. The ones that got away.
Sara Sidle: Oh. I missed that one.

[Sara storms in, obviously angry]
Sara Sidle: You weren't in your office.
Gil Grissom: And good morning to you too, Miss Sidle.

Gil Grissom: Sometimes I can be a little thoughtless.
Catherine Willows: I wouldn't say that. Not just any guy would walk a girl to the morgue.

Catherine Willows: We're mid-case. Why do we have to do this now?
Gil Grissom: Well, unless I get these evaluations in, I'll be written up.
Catherine Willows: My goals... all right, for starters, I'd like two consecutive nights off. I would like to cut my triples down to 10 instead of the usual 20, and I would love to find a reliable babysitter so I could have myself some kind of a personal life.
Gil Grissom: You don't have a personal life?
Catherine Willows: Write this down: I haven't had sex in six - no, seven months.
Gil Grissom: How can I help?
[Her eyes widen]
Gil Grissom: You. Advance, I mean.

Catherine Willows: So, any luck with the blood and hair samples I gave you?
Greg Sanders: Don't insult me. Luck is only for those without skill.
Catherine Willows: Spoken like a man who's never hit the jackpot.
Greg Sanders: Sad, but true.

Gil Grissom: What you do on your time is your business. What you do on my time is my business.

Gil Grissom: I was flying to a seminar in New Hampshire a couple of summers ago. I was sitting in the plane next to a Philosophy Professor from Harvard. He told me this story about how every morning he takes a leak right after his three-hour philosophy class. He flushed the toilet there'd be this tiny brown spider fighting for its life against the swirling water. He came back the next day, flush. Same spider, clawing its way back from oblivion. A week goes by, he decides to liberate the spider. Grabs a paper towel, Scoops him up and sets him on the floor in the corner of the stall. Comes back the next day and what do you think happened to the spider?
Warrick Brown: Dead.
Gil Grissom: On his back, eight legs up. Why? Because one life imposed itself on another. Right then I realized, where we stand. For the first time I understood our role. We don't impose our will. We don't impose our hopes on the evidence.

Nick Stokes: Mrs Hendler, do you and your husband do much rock climbing?
Amy Hendler: Yes.
[points gun at Nick]
Amy Hendler: That's what I killed her with.

[after Greg kicks him out of the lab]
Warrick Brown: Did you take your medication today?

Greg Sanders: All work and no play makes Greg a dull boy.
Gil Grissom: All play and no work makes Greg an UNEMPLOYED boy.

Gil Grissom: Amazing how the sight of blood can clear a room.

[to Warrick]
Catherine Willows: Whatever you say, Superfly.

Catherine Willows: If something doesn't feel right to you, it usually isn't.

Nick Stokes: There's a sucker born every minute.
Gil Grissom: Yeah, and they all come to Vegas.

[after she has fallen onto the victims' blood]
Catherine Willows: Don't touch me, I'm evidence.

[suspect shows Cath a picture of a guy]
Suspect: I have THIS guy keeping me at home.
Catherine Willows: Ahhh, did you get that picture from your wallet? I mean, when you bought it?

Greg Sanders: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer. Swab one down, run it through CODIS, ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall.

[to Grissom upon seeing a bug]
Catherine Willows: Hey, look at that. Your six-legged soul mate.

[Later in the lab]
Sara Sidle: You made my pickle into a light bulb?

[to a recalcitrant suspect]
Captain Jim Brass: Newsflash. You can't make a deal if you keep your mouth shut.

[Looking for clues in a messy trailer]
Nick Stokes: People are pigs.
Gil Grissom: Don't insult the pigs, Nick. They're actually very clean.

[after Gil Grissom lights up a pickle in the lab]
Gil Grissom: You know this is how I cooked my hot dogs in college.

Sara Sidle: Do you want to have dinner with me?
Gil Grissom: No.
Sara Sidle: Come on, let's go to dinner... see what happens.
Gil Grissom: I... don't know what to do about this.
Sara Sidle: I do. And when you finally figure it out, you might be too late.

Gil Grissom: No victim can ever say we didn't try.

[the investigators discover a horse was being used to smuggle diamonds]
Gil Grissom: The horse is a mule.

[after witnessing a child ignoring her mother]
Gil Grissom: [to Catherine] My mother may have been deaf but she was still the boss.

Sara Sidle: So what is it?
Hodges: Give me some time, I'm not a miracle worker.
Sara Sidle: Well, that's obvious, Hodges, or else you wouldn't be rude.
Hodges: I wasn't being rude, I was being curt. Rude would be "When I know, you'll know." Friends?
Sara Sidle: No.

[in the autopsy room, looking over fragmented bones]
Dr. Al Robbins: You want a breast or a thigh?
Catherine Willows: It's your kitchen.

Greg Sanders: Hey Catherine, you think Sara would go to dinner with me?
Catherine Willows: Sure, as long as you don't tell her it's a date.

Gil Grissom: Repeat after me. Silk, silk, silk.
Nick Stokes: Silk, silk, silk.
Gil Grissom: What do cows drink?
Nick Stokes: Milk.
Gil Grissom: Cows drink water. They produce milk.

Gil Grissom: The rich are just as depraved as the poor.

Gil Grissom: Most mammals only copulate seasonally.
Catherine Willows: How boring.

Hodges: I've stopped trying to figure out people.
Sara Sidle: Smart idea.
Hodges: I know.

Security guard: Look, if my boss finds out I'm leaving every night to get my burger, I'm toast.
Detective Vega: You keep lying to us, you're gonna be toast in a jumpsuit.

[looking at pictures of a young, wealthy couple]
Warrick Brown: Bling, bling!
Catherine Willows: The old trophy wife.
Warrick Brown: You think?
Catherine Willows: Classic Vegas. He pays for her boobs, tummy tuck, Prada, weekly spa, French manicure. And she's just hanging on his arm like she belongs.
Warrick Brown: Tell us how you really feel, Catherine.
Catherine Willows: I wouldn't want to be her for the world.
[Warrick gives her a look]
Catherine Willows: Hey, I wouldn't mind it for a day...
Warrick Brown: Well, not this day.

Captain Jim Brass: What are you doing after work?
Gil Grissom: More work.

Hodges: "Thank you Hodges for performing that incredibly elaborate test requiring copious concentration and an advanced degree."

Catherine Willows: What's up, David? You find something?
David Phillips: I was just thinking that I wouldn't be caught dead in those shorts.

Warrick Brown: Was that a confession?
Gil Grissom: I think a plea of insanity.

Agent: That son of a bitch! He was working off the books. He was trying to stiff me.
Sara Sidle: Actually, he's the one who got stiffed.

Catherine Willows: So, if he was hooking it up in Tranny Town, we'd expect to find some man-on-man porn. All we've got here is varying sizes of jugs.

Greg Sanders: Riley "Boom-Boom" Reynaldo. Proud owner of two assault and battery charges and one possession with the intent to sell.

[picking Cath up for dinner]
Chris Bezich: So, what are you in the mood for?
Catherine Willows: Room service.

[Catherine is working at Grissom's desk in his office]
Warrick Brown: Did I miss a memo or something?

Captain Jim Brass: Hey, look what I found: a knife with blood on it.
Gil Grissom: Hey, look what I found: dead guy.

Scott Shelton: [after Sara discovers blood that has been wiped clean off the wall] I have no idea how it got there.
Sara Sidle: Oh... How it got there was when you shot your wife in the head, wrapped her in a blanket and left her on the side of a mountain. *Dead*!
[points her finger in his face]
Scott Shelton: Get that finger out of my face!
[they fight]
Captain Jim Brass: [shouts] Stop! That's enough!
[to Grissom]
Captain Jim Brass: Get her under control!
Gil Grissom: [shouts] Get him out of here, Jim!
Scott Shelton: Told you she was a handful.
Sara Sidle: Oh, you don't know a handful!
Gil Grissom: Hey, Sara, what's the matter with you?
Sara Sidle: I am a woman, and I have a gun and look how he treated me! I can only imagine how he treated his wife!

Captain Jim Brass: Our friend Tony just checked into the hotel. Didn't even unpack his bags.
Grissom: He made enemies fast.

Dr. Al Robbins: He's been pretty worked over. How many teeth did you find at the crime scene?
Grissom: Two.
Dr. Al Robbins: He's missing six.

Captain Jim Brass: [to a suspect] Nice stare. Too bad it doesn't work on me. Keep it though - they'll love it in prison.

Grissom: "The evil men do always lives after them. The good is often interred with their bones."
Warrick Brown: Shakespeare?
Grissom: [nods] Julius Caesar.

Greg Sanders: [about orthodontia] I had it all - palate expander, braces, retainer, headgear. Five years of torture, but worth every penny, don't you think?

Sara Sidle: Clothing, $85. Earrings, $30. Latte, $4. Getting away with murder...
Gil Grissom: Priceless.

[about an elastic plastic]
Gil Grissom: What's it found in?
Hodges: Greg-Sanders-wear.

[talking to a suspect about a broken mirror at the crime scene]
Sara Sidle: You know that's seven years bad luck.
Captain Jim Brass: More like seven to ten.

Gil Grissom: Sara, do you have any duct tape in your kit?
Sara Sidle: Yeah. It's what I use to hold it together.

Captain Jim Brass: What can't you put your finger on, apart from the cut off switch?

Captain Jim Brass: Let me put it this way - I'd want them investigating my murder.

Nick Stokes: You don't have a career without a job.

Captain Jim Brass: [an accused perp bends over to be searched] You better save that position for later, you'll need it where you're going.

Nick Stokes: Well, it takes 10 minutes to drive from the clinic to Industrial Road.
Warrick Brown: Yeah?
Nick Stokes: Yeah, I had Greg run it.
Warrick Brown: [laughing] That's classic!

Greg Sanders: For the record, I really like having a penis.

Catherine Willows: [looking at a surveillance video of a teenage boy in an elevator] You crack this kid's head open, all that would come out would be T&A.
Greg Sanders: I think you said that about me once.
Catherine Willows: Actually, more than once.

[Grissom walks by the lab where Greg is playing music]
Gil Grissom: Hey, Sanders, no punk rock.
Greg Sanders: What about Black Flag?
Gil Grissom: Are you nuts?

Gil Grissom: My bugs are my babies, my children.

Greg Sanders: I'm like a sponge: I just absorb information.
Gil Grissom: I thought that was MY line.
Greg Sanders: Yeah, and I absorbed it.

Gil Grissom: So, let's see. You surf, you scuba dive. You're into latex, you like fashion models and Marilyn Manson. And you also have a coin collection?
Greg Sanders: Weird, ha?
Gil Grissom: Well, I race cockroaches!

Gil Grissom: Hi beetle!

Gil Grissom: Did you hear the one about the cop and the monkey who go into a bar?
Catherine Willows: I'm not in the mood.
Gil Grissom: Neither was the monkey.

Lieutenant: Dave, drop your donut! You're gonna be earning your pay today.

Zach: You know how it is, you look like you were a jock in college.
Greg Sanders: Me?
Sara Sidle: Him?

Nick Stokes: Hey, Catherine, say, "Silk, silk, silk."
Catherine Willows: Silk, silk, silk.
Nick Stokes: What do cows drink?
Catherine Willows: Water. Why?
Nick Stokes: [after a disappointed pause] Never mind...

Nick Stokes: [to a suspect with a cut on his forehead] Did you cut yourself shaving or were you just thinking too hard?

Gil Grissom: Nick, give me that apple
Nick Stokes: [looks at the apple he's been eating] But I didn't get any lunch...
Gil Grissom: You're not supposed to be eating in here so give it.

[Grissom notices something in the desert and starts to walk away from a crime scene]
Captain Jim Brass: Where's he going?
Catherine Willows: Let's just hope he stops.

Nick Stokes: You need to get a girlfriend.
David Phillips: I'm engaged, but thank you.

Nick Stokes: [Archie was talking to Nick about a Star Trek episode] You need a girlfriend.
Archie: You first.

[Dr. Robbins has received a human head in the mail]
[Grissom walks into the room]
Gil Grissom: I heard you got some head.

Gil Grissom: I'm sorry, you look lost
Sheriff Rory Atwater: I've been calling your cell.
Gil Grissom: We get bad reception here in CSI. Listen, if this is about dinner, I'm free next week. I'll be having the fish.

[liquid from the trunk of a car containing two corpses splashes up onto Greg's face and into his mouth]
Sara Sidle: Technically, that makes you a cannibal. Grissom would be proud.
Greg Sanders: Grissom would have tasted it on purpose.

Greg Sanders: I, am a genius.
Warrick Brown: Let me guess, you ran the DNA and got a hit?
Greg Sanders: No.
Gil Grissom: You ran the DNA and something distinctive came up?
Greg Sanders: No.
Warrick Brown: You rolled out of bed and managed to dress yourself?
Greg Sanders: No.

Catherine Willows: Lovers and co-workers, that never works.

Catherine Willows: What kind of perverse game are you playing here, Gil?
Gil Grissom: I'm not a pervert.

Sara Sidle: I think this print dust is getting to me. Would you mind finishing up the fridge?
Greg Sanders: Do I get a gold star?

Sara Sidle: I was really into gold stars when I was a kid.
Greg Sanders: As opposed to now?

Gil Grissom: Maestro, what's the deal with our floater?
[shouts over the music]
Gil Grissom: Professor! What's up with our floater?

Catherine Willows: How about the grill marks?
Hodges: Oh, yeah, I'll run it through the hot dog appliances database.

Warrick Brown: What's a 4-5-0?
Karen: That would be sex with a dead body.

Catherine Willows: How old were you when your father died?
Gil Grissom: Nine.
Catherine Willows: Little guy.

Catherine Willows: Hey, you.
Warrick Brown: Hey.
Catherine Willows: How uh... are you holding up?
Warrick Brown: I'm fine.
Catherine Willows: You sure?
Warrick Brown: Yeah.
Catherine Willows: ...you're in the women's bathroom.

[Julian Harper, a movie star, is found dead of a drug overdose]
Nick Stokes: Julian Harper? Isn't he supposed to be the next Brad Pitt?
Warrick Brown: Yeah. Now, he's the next River Phoenix.

[identifying an insect at a crime scene]
Gil Grissom: Dermastidae masculatus.
Sara Sidle: That's Latin for "You're hiding a dead body."

Nick Stokes: They should do a commercial for the city - "Las Vegas: where even the beaver can strike it rich."

Warrick Brown: Who brings a gun to a knife fight?
Gil Grissom: The winner?

Gil Grissom: [to Hodges] So you're saying our killer had metal balls?

Catherine Willows: You know how you're always pushing that holy trinity stuff?
Gil Grissom: Father, Son and Holy Ghost?
Catherine Willows: Victim, suspect, crime scene.
Gil Grissom: That one, huh?

Gil Grissom: I tend not to believe people; they lie. The evidence never lies.

Greg Sanders: [about Sara] You want a valium for her?
Sara Sidle: I heard that!

Sofia Curtis: How long does a woman lactate after giving birth?
Sara Sidle: I had a professor in college, her 6-year-old would come in every day for lunch. I guess they go for as long as you let them.
Sofia Curtis: What, the boobs or the kids? It's like you're a... walking topless buffet.
[shudders]

Nick Stokes: [Greg opens a cupboard and pulls out a book] I thought that's where you kept your porn.
Greg Sanders: I move it around.

Greg Sanders: Bringing back a semen sample... I analyzed this and found your DNA.
Nick Stokes: That was quick.
Greg Sanders: No jokes about my being fast in this department.
Nick Stokes: Hah.

Catherine Willows: The thing that makes a fantasy great is the possibility it might come true. And when you lose that possibility it just... kinda... sucks.

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"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" (2000) More at IMDb Pro »