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Lew Hayward:
I was a captain of industry, feared by men, adored by women.
Frank Cross: ADORED? C'mon, let's be honest, Lew. You PAID for the women.
Frank Cross: I want to see her nipples.
Censor Lady: But this is a CHRISTMAS show.
Frank Cross: Well, I'm sure Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples.
Carpenter: You can barely see them nipples.
Frank Cross: See? And these guys are REALLY looking.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Let's face it, Frank. Garden slugs got more out of life than you.
Frank Cross: Yeah? Name one.
Frank Cross: I never liked a girl well enough to give her 12 sharp knives.
[Frank is confronted by the ghost of his old boss]
Frank Cross: No, you are a hallucination, brought on by alcohol. Russian Vodka, poisoned by Chernobyl.
James Cross: You know what they say about people who treat other people bad on the way up?
Frank Cross: Yeah, you get to treat 'em bad on the way back down too. It's great, you get two chances to rough 'em up.
[Props man tries to attach antlers to a mouse]
Props man: I can't get the antlers glued to this little guy. We tried Crazy Glue, but it don't work.
Frank Cross: Did you try staples?
Frank Cross: The bitch hit me with a toaster.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Sometimes you have to *slap* them in the face just to get their attention!
Earl Cross: All day long I listen to people give me excuses why they can't work. My legs hurt. My back aches. I'm only four. The sooner he learns life isn't handed to him on a silver platter, the better.
Ghost of Christmas Present: [repeating the question] On the "Addams Family", what instrument did Lurch play?
Frank Cross: I may be invisible but I'm NOT DEAF!
Claire Phillips: Taxi. Can you get me to the IBC building in three minutes?
Ghost of Christmas Past: Which floor?
Ghost of Christmas Present: You know I like the rough stuff, don't you Frank?
The Ghost of Christmas Present: Oh, what is this Frank? Oh, oh, look Frank. It's a toaster.
[hits him in the forehead with the toaster]
Frank Cross: Hey. Are you glad to see me, or is this a shotgun in your pocket?
[toss gun away; it fires]
Frank Cross: All right, you've heard it. How's this for a deal? I hire you back, pay you twice your original salary, and offer you a vice president position. Would you like my office?
Elliot: No, I don't like your office.
Frank Cross: That's SO YOU!
Elliot: What's the catch?
Frank Cross: The catch...
[sniffs]
Frank Cross: ...is that you need to shower, little man. You are RIPE! Whoo!
Frank Cross: Quick. What time is it?
Elliot: Somebody stole my watch.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Go back to Jersey, ya moron.
Herman: Boy that Dick sure knows how to drink huh?
Frank Cross: Why do you keep calling me "Dick"?
Herman: I'm sorry Mr. Burton, but I guess we don't know you well enough yet, to call you Dick.
Frank Cross: The Jews taught me this great word. "Schmuck". I was a schmuck, and now I'm not a schmuck.
Frank Cross: I'm gonna give you a little advice Claire. Scrape 'em off. You wanna save somebody? Save yourself.
Claire Phillips: Oh well that's a really nice attitude. Merry Christmas.
Frank Cross: Bah humbug.
Frank Cross: I get it, you're here to show me my past and I'm supposed to get all dully eyed and mushy. Well forget it pal, you got the wrong guy.
Ghost of Christmas Past: That's exactly what Atilla the Hun said. But when he saw his mother, Niagra Falls.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Niagra Falls Frankie Angel.
Frank Cross: Grace, put yourself down for a towel too.
Grace: What about my bonus?
Frank Cross: Towel and a facecloth.
Elliot: Hello, IBC program room.
Preston: This is Rhinelander. Who's the idiot that put that nut on the air?
Elliot: Oh, uh, Bryce Cummings is the idiot sir but uh, he can't talk to you right now because he's sorta tied up. Uh-huh. Oh, in fact he just said that you were a flatulating butthead?
Preston: A butthead?
Elliot: He said he never felt that way about a man before but you really looked good in a suit.
Frank Cross: Would you please hold the goddamn hammering, now.
Frank Cross: You've got a program featuring America's favorite old fart. Reading a book in front of a fireplace. Now, I have to kill all of you.
[Frank notices a picture of Santa and Mrs. Claus on the wall]
Frank Cross: Grace, what in the hell is this?
Grace: Oh, it's a painting, one of my kids did. See, there's Santa Claus and there's Mrs. Claus.
Frank Cross: Honey, how many fingers does Mrs. Santa Claus have here?
Grace: Eleven.
Frank Cross: Eleven. Right.
[rips it down]
Frank Cross: It's crap. Lose it. I don't want it on the wall.
[tosses it in the wastebasket]
[Elliot points a shotgun right in Frank's face]
Elliot: Hello wabbit.
Frank Cross: Could you give me a head start?
Elliot: Sure. One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three.
[he fires]
Daughter: Mom, when are we gonna get a real Christmas tree?
Grace: When they're free.
Frank Cross: Get me Standards and Practices in here. I want to see wreaths.
Frank Cross: Do you think I'm way off-base here?
Elliot: Yes. You're, well, you're a tad off-base, sir. That thing looked like The Manson Family Christmas Special.
Frank Cross: It's Christmas Eve. It's-it's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we-we-we smile a little easier, we-w-w-we-we-we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year we are the people that we always hoped we would be.
Frank Cross: Claire, the whole world. Whole world, Claire.
[Ghost of Christmas Past takes Frank to 1955]
Frank Cross: Where are we?
Ghost of Christmas Past: Where are we? You mean, "When are we?"
Frank Cross: [to the abstract/impressionist portrait on the wall] Mother... help me.
Frank Cross: I'm alive! Yes! I'm ALIVE!
Elliot: [cocks a shotgun and aims it at Frank] Not for long.
Lew Hayward: I don't mind you shooting at me, Frank, but take it easy on the Bacardi
Frank Cross: You're staying here with me. We're working late.
Grace: I have to take my son to the doctor.
Frank Cross: GRACE! When I work late, YOU work late!
Grace: But I made the appointment two months ago!
Frank Cross: [sarcastically] I CARE!
[grabbing Grace]
Frank Cross: We're indivisible. If I'm workin' late, you GOTTA work late! If you can't work late, I can't work late! If I can't work late, I CAN'T WORK LATE!
Ghost of Christmas Present: Close your eyes...! And think of snowflakes and moonbeams and whiskers on kittens...
[She notices Frank peeking and goes to jab his eys with two fingers]
Ghost of Christmas Present: Nooooo peeking!
[Frank blocks the jab and closes his eyes]
Ghost of Christmas Present: Of rainbows, forget-me-nots... of misty meadows and sun-dappled pools. Oh, look! There's Mr Hedgehog. I wonder where he's going? Perhaps to HARLEM!
[She punches Frank]
Frank Cross: My jaw!
Ghost of Christmas Present: Sometimes the truth is painful, Frank.
[She slaps his face]
Ghost of Christmas Present: But it's made your cheeks rosy and your eyes bright!
Frank Cross: If you TOUCH ME AGAlN, I'll rip your goddamned wings off! Okay?
Frank Cross: [Screams and accidentally hits Grace] Oh God! Oh God! Grace, go watch the show! He's here for me! Come on! Come on! Give it to me!
[falls to knees]
Frank Cross: You think I'm afraid of you, the day I've had? I know what you came for. Come and get it, you pussy.
Fake Ghost of Christmas Future: Brice!
Brice Cummings: [Getting the Fake Ghost away from Frank, who's obviously been scared by him] Stop scaring Frank. Get this nutcake out.
Ghost of Christmas Past: It's a bone you lucky dog!
Ghost of Christmas Past: You left Claire for Frisbee the dog? Frank, let me sum this up for you: you don't know who you are, you don't know what you want, and you don't know what the hell is going on.
Frank Cross: I've made a few mistakes. I gotta live with that. But I do know who I am, I know what I want, and I know what's going on.
Ghost of Christmas Past: [the Ghost has disappeared into a monitor, and whistles to get his attention] Hey, Frank! Up here!
Frank Cross: What's going on?
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Frank Cross: ADORED? C'mon, let's be honest, Lew. You PAID for the women.
Frank Cross: I want to see her nipples.
Censor Lady: But this is a CHRISTMAS show.
Frank Cross: Well, I'm sure Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples.
Carpenter: You can barely see them nipples.
Frank Cross: See? And these guys are REALLY looking.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Let's face it, Frank. Garden slugs got more out of life than you.
Frank Cross: Yeah? Name one.
Frank Cross: I never liked a girl well enough to give her 12 sharp knives.
[Frank is confronted by the ghost of his old boss]
Frank Cross: No, you are a hallucination, brought on by alcohol. Russian Vodka, poisoned by Chernobyl.
James Cross: You know what they say about people who treat other people bad on the way up?
Frank Cross: Yeah, you get to treat 'em bad on the way back down too. It's great, you get two chances to rough 'em up.
[Props man tries to attach antlers to a mouse]
Props man: I can't get the antlers glued to this little guy. We tried Crazy Glue, but it don't work.
Frank Cross: Did you try staples?
Frank Cross: The bitch hit me with a toaster.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Sometimes you have to *slap* them in the face just to get their attention!
Earl Cross: All day long I listen to people give me excuses why they can't work. My legs hurt. My back aches. I'm only four. The sooner he learns life isn't handed to him on a silver platter, the better.
Ghost of Christmas Present: [repeating the question] On the "Addams Family", what instrument did Lurch play?
Frank Cross: I may be invisible but I'm NOT DEAF!
Claire Phillips: Taxi. Can you get me to the IBC building in three minutes?
Ghost of Christmas Past: Which floor?
Ghost of Christmas Present: You know I like the rough stuff, don't you Frank?
The Ghost of Christmas Present: Oh, what is this Frank? Oh, oh, look Frank. It's a toaster.
[hits him in the forehead with the toaster]
Frank Cross: Hey. Are you glad to see me, or is this a shotgun in your pocket?
[toss gun away; it fires]
Frank Cross: All right, you've heard it. How's this for a deal? I hire you back, pay you twice your original salary, and offer you a vice president position. Would you like my office?
Elliot: No, I don't like your office.
Frank Cross: That's SO YOU!
Elliot: What's the catch?
Frank Cross: The catch...
[sniffs]
Frank Cross: ...is that you need to shower, little man. You are RIPE! Whoo!
Frank Cross: Quick. What time is it?
Elliot: Somebody stole my watch.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Go back to Jersey, ya moron.
Herman: Boy that Dick sure knows how to drink huh?
Frank Cross: Why do you keep calling me "Dick"?
Herman: I'm sorry Mr. Burton, but I guess we don't know you well enough yet, to call you Dick.
Frank Cross: The Jews taught me this great word. "Schmuck". I was a schmuck, and now I'm not a schmuck.
Frank Cross: I'm gonna give you a little advice Claire. Scrape 'em off. You wanna save somebody? Save yourself.
Claire Phillips: Oh well that's a really nice attitude. Merry Christmas.
Frank Cross: Bah humbug.
Frank Cross: I get it, you're here to show me my past and I'm supposed to get all dully eyed and mushy. Well forget it pal, you got the wrong guy.
Ghost of Christmas Past: That's exactly what Atilla the Hun said. But when he saw his mother, Niagra Falls.
Ghost of Christmas Past: Niagra Falls Frankie Angel.
Frank Cross: Grace, put yourself down for a towel too.
Grace: What about my bonus?
Frank Cross: Towel and a facecloth.
Elliot: Hello, IBC program room.
Preston: This is Rhinelander. Who's the idiot that put that nut on the air?
Elliot: Oh, uh, Bryce Cummings is the idiot sir but uh, he can't talk to you right now because he's sorta tied up. Uh-huh. Oh, in fact he just said that you were a flatulating butthead?
Preston: A butthead?
Elliot: He said he never felt that way about a man before but you really looked good in a suit.
Frank Cross: Would you please hold the goddamn hammering, now.
Frank Cross: You've got a program featuring America's favorite old fart. Reading a book in front of a fireplace. Now, I have to kill all of you.
[Frank notices a picture of Santa and Mrs. Claus on the wall]
Frank Cross: Grace, what in the hell is this?
Grace: Oh, it's a painting, one of my kids did. See, there's Santa Claus and there's Mrs. Claus.
Frank Cross: Honey, how many fingers does Mrs. Santa Claus have here?
Grace: Eleven.
Frank Cross: Eleven. Right.
[rips it down]
Frank Cross: It's crap. Lose it. I don't want it on the wall.
[tosses it in the wastebasket]
[Elliot points a shotgun right in Frank's face]
Elliot: Hello wabbit.
Frank Cross: Could you give me a head start?
Elliot: Sure. One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three.
[he fires]
Daughter: Mom, when are we gonna get a real Christmas tree?
Grace: When they're free.
Frank Cross: Get me Standards and Practices in here. I want to see wreaths.
Frank Cross: Do you think I'm way off-base here?
Elliot: Yes. You're, well, you're a tad off-base, sir. That thing looked like The Manson Family Christmas Special.
Frank Cross: It's Christmas Eve. It's-it's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we-we-we smile a little easier, we-w-w-we-we-we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year we are the people that we always hoped we would be.
Frank Cross: Claire, the whole world. Whole world, Claire.
[Ghost of Christmas Past takes Frank to 1955]
Frank Cross: Where are we?
Ghost of Christmas Past: Where are we? You mean, "When are we?"
Frank Cross: [to the abstract/impressionist portrait on the wall] Mother... help me.
Frank Cross: I'm alive! Yes! I'm ALIVE!
Elliot: [cocks a shotgun and aims it at Frank] Not for long.
Lew Hayward: I don't mind you shooting at me, Frank, but take it easy on the Bacardi
Frank Cross: You're staying here with me. We're working late.
Grace: I have to take my son to the doctor.
Frank Cross: GRACE! When I work late, YOU work late!
Grace: But I made the appointment two months ago!
Frank Cross: [sarcastically] I CARE!
[grabbing Grace]
Frank Cross: We're indivisible. If I'm workin' late, you GOTTA work late! If you can't work late, I can't work late! If I can't work late, I CAN'T WORK LATE!
Ghost of Christmas Present: Close your eyes...! And think of snowflakes and moonbeams and whiskers on kittens...
[She notices Frank peeking and goes to jab his eys with two fingers]
Ghost of Christmas Present: Nooooo peeking!
[Frank blocks the jab and closes his eyes]
Ghost of Christmas Present: Of rainbows, forget-me-nots... of misty meadows and sun-dappled pools. Oh, look! There's Mr Hedgehog. I wonder where he's going? Perhaps to HARLEM!
[She punches Frank]
Frank Cross: My jaw!
Ghost of Christmas Present: Sometimes the truth is painful, Frank.
[She slaps his face]
Ghost of Christmas Present: But it's made your cheeks rosy and your eyes bright!
Frank Cross: If you TOUCH ME AGAlN, I'll rip your goddamned wings off! Okay?
Frank Cross: [Screams and accidentally hits Grace] Oh God! Oh God! Grace, go watch the show! He's here for me! Come on! Come on! Give it to me!
[falls to knees]
Frank Cross: You think I'm afraid of you, the day I've had? I know what you came for. Come and get it, you pussy.
Fake Ghost of Christmas Future: Brice!
Brice Cummings: [Getting the Fake Ghost away from Frank, who's obviously been scared by him] Stop scaring Frank. Get this nutcake out.
Ghost of Christmas Past: It's a bone you lucky dog!
Ghost of Christmas Past: You left Claire for Frisbee the dog? Frank, let me sum this up for you: you don't know who you are, you don't know what you want, and you don't know what the hell is going on.
Frank Cross: I've made a few mistakes. I gotta live with that. But I do know who I am, I know what I want, and I know what's going on.
Ghost of Christmas Past: [the Ghost has disappeared into a monitor, and whistles to get his attention] Hey, Frank! Up here!
Frank Cross: What's going on?
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